After 7 years (apparantly), I decided to come back to Newgrounds.

Why?

Because I need to put some things out there and I can't think of a better place to do it.

I have no Idea what I'm hoping to get out of it though.

The Truth is, I just don't know what to do anymore.

A lot has happened since 2010.

I'm a different person now.

I live in a different city, I am far more skilled in what I'm doing. I think and speak diffenrently. I have new friends. And new enemies.

There's a million miles and more between who I used to be and who I am now.

I still feel unfathomably.... alone. Desolate.

That's the one common denominator between my old self and me.

Maybe I didn't understand it to the same degree back than as I do now, and in a way, that makes it way worse.

I know what I'm going through, and why. I know how my mind and body work, and what I can do to enhance or diminish the ways my mood swings. I know how to induce feelings of happines and how to drive away despair and depression.

But all that has done is to induce an even deeper feeling of ... darkness.

It's a weird, awkward kind of darkness. Not one that lurks not in your heart and soul and threatens to eat you alive, but one that sits all the way in the analytical part of your mind.

I know, no matter what I do and how I feel, nothing is going to change the fact that I exist on this earth and that I'm not getting out of my own skin*. And I don't even know if that's a bad thing, a good thing, or a thing at all or what's even the difference if any of that would be true or false.

*(Quck aside: NO, not even suicide could change that. And suicide is dumb, because I'm not hopping on that train unless I know where it's gonna take me. It would only make sense if there's no way of guessing it could be worse than my current situation - and my tolerance for emotional and physical discomfort is quite high.)

So even though I know that inducing a "positive" mental state will actually make me feel better and drive me towards being more productive, more pleasant to be around and eventually, more successful, it makes me incredibly depressed AT THE SAME TIME.

If I somehow managed to stay on a successful path for a couple of years and ended up with a ton of cash, a nice house and an attractive family, I might be to busy to remind myself of it, but I'd still be me.

The same goes for all other paths that diverge from where I am currently;

Even If I do something completely opposed to what I am, it wouldn't change anything.

I'd still be the same old me, in a new environment with a new skillset, new mannerisms and friends - whichh is wonderfully enticing and horribly depressing all at once.

But I think I've figured it out.

The only way for me to live with some semblance of hope is to constantly be on the run and always do something else, or at least do the same thing in a different place with different people.

I cannot imagine I'll ever, ever be able to stay in the same place - mentally or physically - for more than a year.

That's all I have the capacity to write at this time.

But I'll be back. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe in another 7 years.